Still not liking that when things happen the one person I want to tell wont listen. I am moving forward with my life...it might be at a snails pace but forward is forward. I applied for my MBA today! Yeah! Glad to have that off my plate since I am working two jobs and French has gotten fucking hard. Also, its planning season and there is a new system that I have to do even though I won't be there next year.
I still just want to know, what is wrong with me? Why am I just a piece of shit? What kind of hell did I cause in a previous life that warrants the life I have now?

I think I am having a hard time letting go completely. A part of me keeps pushing people away hoping that he will come back. That one day I just have a ring on my doorbell and we apologize and hug because we realized that being together is really what we want. It doesn't matter if we have kids or don't have kids, live in a big house or an apartment, have a blind dog or cool big dog.
And I think I need to figure out a way to let this fantasy go.
I think I need to just say "I do" to the new life and the new marriage and the new everything that isn't him and never will be. But what if it fails? I don't want to go through that again and I don't want to end up miserable and alone again. Or worse, stuck with someone I don't want to be with. I'm not a risk taker by any means!

I believe this is hard for me because its hard allowing someone to really know you. To know every part of someone is very intimate and when the person that knows all of that says " I don't want you anymore" it makes it hard to allow others to become that intimate with you. What if they start chipping away and find that they don't really want you either? I thought he knew all of me and who I really was and would still want me and I was wrong, why would the next person not do the same?