I know that there is no point living life with any kind of regret but I think we all at one point or another have one of those "if I had a time machine" moments. There are things you can think about but it won't ever change the current situation, only you can make the decision to change something going forward. How differently would our lives be if there was a magic re-do button but you could retain the memories and know what you need to do differently? I wish I hadn't left Singapore. I wish I had stayed and fought for what I believed in and given it time. But I was lost and alone and scared. Living in a state of constant free of upsetting someone or not being good enough was making it worse and I ran away. However, I don't think that is my magic re-do button time-frame. I think my magic re-do button would go all the way back to 2009 when he was just getting out of the military. Those first years together, young and broke and just figuring out life together. I would want to go all the way back to those times knowing what I know now because I think it shaped how a lot of future arguments and decisions were handled. I know now how to argue. I know now how to not be angry, how to not be selfish, and how to chose my words more wisely. I know now what hurts a relationship and what builds one up and I wish I had done more of the building it up. I would soak up more time together and find more things we could do as a team. Look for things to make us grow and not make him feel like anything was missing from our lives or that I would resent anything about it later on.
But again, there is no magic button and we are all stuck with the decisions we made no matter how painful they may be. We can't go back but we can go forward. We can chose our future and follow our hearts and not fall back on fears.
