10 years + 7 = over half my time on this earth

This year would have been our 10th wedding anniversary. Funny how when we married we talked about what we would do for the 10 year mark. I wonder what we would have done and how we would have celebrated. Five years ago this week were in New Zealand. You were dealing with issues and I just stayed by hoping.

Before I utter any words, I want to hold your face in my hands. I want to see if it’s still the same one I used to fall in love with, and get lost in. I want your face to remind me of who you are, of who we were, of what we had. I want to feel lucky that I get to see it again, and become breathless because of it.

I want to ask, “How are you doing?” But I don’t want you to tell me “I’m fine.” Because you know how upset that answer makes me. I want you to tell me everything that I missed out while we were not together. I want you to speak to me through your deepest core, and reveal to me the smallest details of your days without me. I want you to impress me with the amount of knowledge that you have about the world right now.

I want you to keep talking. I don’t want you to stop. Because once I start to open my mouth, I’m not sure if I can trust myself with everything that I want to say.

I’m not sure if I can cover up the truth of what I have been meaning to tell you. I’m not sure if this is what you want to hear, if this is what you want to know. I’m not sure if I still have the right to care for you.

Because, honestly, I miss you every day.

I miss the times when I opened my phone and see your name there with a "lubba". I miss counting the cars in the Mexican caravan. I miss your stories. I miss how funny you are and how fucked up the jokes are at the same time. 

But I wonder if you miss me the same way that my heart aches from missing you.

I wonder if you miss the sound of my voice or the sound of my laugh at your corny jokes. I wonder if you miss the way I would get annoyed. I wonder if you miss my confidence. I wonder if you miss the long conversations we would have about our wants and goals. I wonder if you miss coming home to hug me and feeling my head on your chest. I wonder if you miss my grunts and moans for you to hold me as close as you could to your body in bed. 

And I wonder if you still love me.
Because I want you to know that I still love you.

I want you to know that nobody will ever replace you in my heart because I will always remember that you were the one who loved me through all of the terrible hard times that we had. I want you to know that you keep appearing in my dreams, because I think about you before I fall asleep. I want you to know that it sucks to live every day far away from you. I want you to know that I don’t have the strength to delete the photographs that we have in my phone or on my computer. And I want you to know that I still cry over losing you in my life.

Maybe I have so much faith in love. Maybe I can’t take away the positivity that lives inside of me. Maybe I will always be the person who chooses to see the good over the bad in all situations. Maybe my big, soft heart is the reason why I believe that we still have a chance to reconnect one day.

So I want you to please try.

Please try to hope that time will bring us back. Please try to not give up on the idea of us. Please try to hold on to the promises that we said to each other, before we separated in our different ways.

Because I’m trying, every day, to wait for the moment when I can hug you one more time.